Merry Christmas; He's Back and So Am I

Last night, I was watching and comparing various versions of “The Nutcracker Ballet,” on the sofa with Shadow the cat sleeping peacefully beside me. I had decided to spend Christmas quietly at home. We suddenly heard a crash that sounded like an explosion in the kitchen behind us. Shadow sprang up, her hair stood out and I also jumped up but was afraid to turn around. Then I cautiously approached the kitchen expecting to see a hole in the roof, or some other major catastrophe.  At first, I saw nothing, so checked the garage; still, nothing unusual. Then I noticed a hand drum on the floor. That drum had been hanging on the wall high above my desk for fifteen years. I seldom noticed it. I took its flamboyant leap from the wall, as a direct communication from PQ. For as long as I’ve known him, he has thrown things around in my house when there was an important emotional communication coming. He once threw a glass cake stand off the refrigerator onto my printer breaking the cake stand, printer and the glass top over the desk.  On another occasion, he threw a clay Mexican Adam, Eve, tree, and serpent off a display stand. He played rhythms through the smoke detector several times, as well. All these things happened when we had been separated for a time and I was thinking about him.

This has been the best Christmas I’ve had for years! Yet, I am alone in this house and have been since my PQ left this always challenging dimension for an address I don’t have. His whereabouts were not only a mystery but there was no communication from his side. I was beginning to think he was glad to be rid of me.  Then, last week I was working at the desk in the kitchen. The PBS News Hour was on TV delivering bad news, as usual, but I was feeling unusually good. At first, I didn’t notice the TV noise while trying to write. I don’t turn the TV on when I’m writing. But I was in my house, I mean really in my house in a way I haven’t been since PQ left. He was watching the news as he did every evening and I turned to ask him a mundane question. It was then that I realized that he wasn’t physically sitting on the right side of our couch which was always his throne. It took several minutes of bewildered disorientation before I understood. He’s back!

I don’t need to know just where he is hanging out, or why he went away for over a year. I don’t think time exists from his current perspective. There must have been some adjustment, even though he took his departure from this physical world with enormous grace and even a sense of humor. Yes, at first, he fought the reality that his body would never work the way he wanted it to work anymore, but he was also funny and brave. When it became clear that the body was done, he left it.

I don’t know how to articulate my joy this Christmas. I have done very little to celebrate. I did some minor decorating, that started with two poinsettias picked up on sale at Walmart and then the artificial Christmas tree’s box fell off its shelf while I was looking for something else, so I took it as a sign, and yesterday I made some Biscochitos, the traditional New Mexico Christmas cookie. It was an impulse, and I didn’t bother to look up a recipe, but they turned out perfectly. However, that is all I did. No cards, gifts, or holiday plans. I wonder if that isn’t why it’s been lovely. I’ve had no design, no expectations, no elaborate decorating, and no social events. My Christmas dinner consisted ad hoc from frozen fried chicken, instant mashed potatoes, and frozen vegies, with a glass of Chardonnay.  It was perfect, spontaneous, and even though it was just me and Shadow kitty, I found myself giving my thanks to Creator, talking to PQ, and relaxing in the beauty of being nowhere, and everywhere, all by myself and with everyone.